Confusion
by linnell
Summary: Rent fanfic - M/R slash, enjoy
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: These are not my characters, they belong to Jonathan Larson. I did this for Kait, wherever she is!

"Roger, is that you?" I hear someone come into our loft, I hope it is him, because if not I could be in trouble.

"Yeah, who else would it be?"   
"Yeah, I was just thinking that." I hear him put his guitar down and head for the refrigerator. Same routine, different day. 

"There's nothing to eat!" He yells to me from our tiny kitchen.

"There never is. Hurry up and get ready we have to leave in five minutes." I check myself in the mirror in the bathroom. My usually spiky hair is combed down, and I am actually clean-shaven. I take a long hard look at my reflection. I've gotten old, at least my eyes have. I guess that it what burying four of your friends will do to you. Suddenly Roger's voice breaks my thoughts.

"Hey! You did laundry! Thanks!" 

"I figured we owed it to Collins to look good tonight, and that calls for clean clothes. And you're welcome." I adjust my tie and look at myself. It will have to do. I hear Roger's guitar from the other room. "ROGER! We have to get going!"

"Yeah, yeah yeah…. I was just practicing." I walk into his room and find him already dressed in a nice pair a pants and white button down shirt. And hanging around his shoulders, untied, was a tie. 

"You own a tie?"  
He laughs, "yeah, surprised me too. I think it was Benny's." He looks down at himself. "I don't know how to tie it though, how embarrassing is that?"

"Well considering how many years I lived with you and have never seen you with one on, it is not very astonishing. Give it to me."

I tie it around my neck loose enough for him to get it on. "Here… now let's go!"

"What would I do without you Mark?"

"I don't know sometimes I feel like I'm your mother, and other times I feel like your wife."

"Do I look alright?"  
"Yeah, yeah… you clean up real nice... Come on let's GO!" 

I grab his guitar and hand it to him and head out the door. Outside, I am shocked to discover the brisk air, but I am reminded that it is September and the nights are cooling. "I should have grabbed my coat." We walk mostly in silence, but we are both thinking about the same thing. Collins. He died last week. We are going to a memorial that the Life Support group is having for him. Roger and I were both with him when he died, and I think we have both shed our share of tears, but tonight is our last chance to say good-bye to him. 

Roger and I have been going to Life Support for a few months, pretty regularly since Mimi passed away. Collins had been coming for years, first with Angel, and then on his own. I joined him a few times, but we could never get Roger there. But after Mimi… he relented. So the three of us went almost every week, and when Collins started to get sick, Roger and I went on our own

Roger finally breaks the silence. "How can we do this again?" I just shake my head. Truth is, I have no idea. After April, Angel and Mimi I have had enough of this disease. And knowing Roger will someday…. No, Roger is very healthy. He is not going to get sick for a long time, and maybe by then they will find a cure. 

We finally make it to the church where the Life Support meeting is held. People are milling around outside talking and drinking coffee. Coffee is really big in this group. A few people come up to us and give their condolences and kind words. Everyone had such wonderful things to say about Collins, he was just one of those people, you met him once and you never forgot. 

Roger and I make our way down to the basement and spot Maureen and Joanne sitting in the first row. They saved us seats. Maureen gives me a hug and starts sobbing. I hold her for a few minutes, rubbing her hair and trying to calm her down. Joanne goes over and talks to Roger. 

Maureen finally pulls away from me, and with her voice broken up with sobs she tells me how much she misses him already. "I know Maureen, I do to." We hold each other for a few minutes more until the meeting starts. 

"Welcome to a special gathering tonight to remember and celebrate the life of Thomas B. Collins." Paul, who usually leads these meetings, is speaking. "For those of us who were fortunate enough to have Tom, or as his friends call him, Collins, in our lives this is very somber day. We have lost him but we can be at peace knowing that he is now with the angels, and his Angel."

Maureen begins sobbing uncontrollably, I put my arm around her, but hit Joanne's arm in the process, and I pull my hand away. Old habits are hard to break. I hear Paul say that some of Collins' friends had a few things to say. That's my cue.

"Um… I know Collins wouldn't want us sitting around saying how sad we are. He is someone who honestly lived each day of his life to its fullest and would do anything for the people he cared about. There was never a dull moment when he was around." I take a deep breath and look at Roger, who has tears running down his face. I try and give him a private smile and he sees and smiles back. "Collins…I miss you." I step down and take my seat and put my arm around Roger. During Mimi's funeral he never cried. I don't think he would let himself. "Your next…" I whisper to him.

He nods and wipes his tears and carries his guitar to the front of the room. "Yeah, Collins, this is for you…" And he begins to play his guitar and sing a beautiful soft ballad. It was something I had never heard before. I sat there and watched him and listened. It was amazing; no one even dared to breath and it was as if Collins was sitting next to me listening. When Roger finished his song he put his guitar down and said "Collins, take care of Mimi for me." Then he addressed the room, but was looking right at me; "One thing he was always reminding of was to appreciate what I have, while I still have it. I just want him to know that I do." And with that Roger came over to me and embraced me. 

Maureen and Joanne both got up and said a few words, as did a few other people in the room. I tried to listen to what they all had to say, but I couldn't sit there anymore and I got up and walked out of the room. I ran up the stairs and out the door and leaned up against the wall, again forgetting about the chill in the air. I started breathing deep and feeling like I can't catch my breath. Finally I hear Roger, "Oh God, he's hyperventilating!" I feel like I'm gasping for my last breath. Somehow someone got a paper bag to Roger and he told me to breathe into it. I did and finally settled and regulated my breathing. I slide down against the wall, and Roger slides down next to me. He puts his arm around me and allows me to put my head on his shoulder. We both sit while everyone bustles about trying to make sure we are ok. 

I sit there with my eyes closed and let Roger explain that we will be fine. I hear a friend of Collins' come by, Tony I think his name is, and introduce his boyfriend to Roger. Roger is polite and chats with him a few minutes. Tony squats down and touches my knee, "Mark, honey, are you going to be ok?" I just nod. Then he says to Roger, "Take him home and take good care of him, give him some extra loving tonight." And with that he took off. 

"Mark, did he just think we are a couple?" 

I laugh, "Yeah, I think so." He just chuckles a little. "Roger, I want to get out of here, let's go home, ok?" 

He says sure and runs back into the church to get his guitar. Maureen and Joanne come out and Joanne gives me a hug and tells me they both love me. "You and Roger better take care of each other!" I nod and smile. Finally, Roger reappears and I get up and we walk home, again in silence.

We walk up the stairs to the loft. Neither of us can even look at Mimi's old apartment, which is now deserted. As I enter the loft I go straight to my camera and pick it up. "Is it still where you left it, Mark?" Roger always teases my about my relationship with my camera, saying that I don't need a woman because I have my precious camera. He is exactly the same way with his guitar. I just give him a look and tell him I'm going to bed. I just want to be alone for a while.

I don't even bothering turning on the light in my room; I pull off my shirt and kick off my shoes and climb into bed. I lay there staring at the ceiling and watching the lights from outside dance around my room with each passing car. I lie there and mourn for my friends who have passed and try not to think about the next one of these I will have to go to. Next time, I will not have Roger's shoulder to lean on. 

I don't know how long I was lying there, but I must have fallen asleep. I had a very upsetting dream. Roger and I were on a subway platform and Collins, Mimi, Angel and April were sitting across from us. They were all asking me to let Roger join them on the train, but I kept telling them no. Roger wanted to go be with Mimi, and then he kept looking at April, and he couldn't get over to them. I tried holding him back but they were calling him. I pleaded with him to stay with me, but he wanted to get on the train.   
Suddenly Roger's real voice woke me as well as the flood of light from the living room. "Mark, are you ok? You were yelling my name."   
"Yeah, I was just having a weird dream I guess, sorry." I don't even open my eyes because I know the bright light will hurt them.

"It's ok, are you alright?" He sits down on the bed next to me and pushes my bangs out of my face.

"I'm fine thanks." 

"Do you mind if I hang out for a while? I don't feel like being alone anymore.""Sure, no problem." I try to push myself to an upright position.

"Don't get up, you're fine. You know its funny, I was thinking about that guy Tony and how he assumed we are a couple. I guess it makes sense that he would think that."

"Mmmm, I guess…" I'm still half-asleep and trying to wake myself up.   
"I mean, you don't have HIV but you always go to the meetings with me. And I never went before Mimi… and well we are always together.

"Yeah, and we always bicker like a couple."  
"That's for sure. It's funny because with April and Mimi it was so hard to get along with them, but with you it is easy."  
"Yeah, I know… too bad we… never mind." I laugh at my own thought.

"Too bad we what?"

"Well, I was just being stupid, I'm tired."  
"What?"   
"Well I was going to say too bad we weren't gay."  
Roger laughs and agrees, "things would be a lot simpler then, huh?"

I shrug, "Probably not, things aren't simple for Maureen and Joanne."

Roger sits next to me for awhile in silence, I hear him begin to sob. I sit up and hold him while he weeps. "I miss them so much, Mark."  
I hold him and rub his back. After Mimi died, he didn't cry, he just shut down again, like he did after April. This is the first time I've ever seen him like this. "I miss them too, but we have to keep going forward, we still have each other…"  
Roger pulls back from me and through bloodshot eyes I can see his depletion. "We're going to be ok, I promise. Roger, we will get through this together." He just nods and touches my face. "Mark you mean so much to me, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I would have given up so long ago." 

I smile at him, "Shh, its ok Roger." He strokes my cheek and leans in and begins to kiss me. At first, I am in shock and for about a half of second, I freeze, but then the welcoming feeling of his lips on mine comes rushing through me and I begin to kiss him back. All of the sudden my body is awake and I feel safer than I ever felt before. We tighten our embrace and allow the kiss to go deeper. Feelings that I never even realized I had begun to uproot and escape me into his mouth. I clutch onto the back of his head, afraid he is going to pull away, but he doesn't. It was the most amazing few minutes I have ever experienced. Finally we break apart.

"Wow…" that was from me. 

"I'm… I'm sorry…" that was from Roger and with that he jumped off my bed left the room and I heard the front door slam.

I am left alone again in my dark room. Roger just kissed me. That was surreal, and yet it was amazing. I have never felt like that before. I had never thought it was possible for me to feel like that. I honestly never considered men, and I still don't feel that I'm attracted to then. It's just with Roger it felt so natural. I don't know what to do next. Why did he have to take off? Where the hell did he go? I pick up my watch from the floor and see that it is 1:30 am. I pull myself out of bed and throw my shirt and shoes back on and start to head for the door. 

Suddenly I realize that I didn't know what to say to Roger once I found him. I mean, what does one say to their best friend after they have kissed you? I kick off my shoes and sit on the couch and wait for him. He'll be back soon, he always is.

A few hours pass by and I have read the first hundred pages of a book that Collins had given to me. He gave Roger and me most of his possessions, which really wasn't many. We now have a full library of books ranging from history to philosophy and lots of fiction. Every so often, I go back into my room and check the time on my watch. It occurs to me that I could just bring it back to the room with me, but getting up wastes time and keeps me awake. 

Finally, sometime after 4:10, I hear Roger walking up the stairs. He is trying to be quiet, but I hear him shush someone. I watch the latch magically turn itself and the door open and I see Roger and some brunette. 

"Mark… uh… what are you doing up?"  
"I wanted to talk to you."  
"Yeah, later, this is Kristina." She waves at me and giggles. Pure club trash. She looks like she has been around for while. "Come on baby," he takes her hand and leads her into his bedroom.

Well, what are we trying to prove to ourselves, huh Roger? I know he felt the same way I did, and he is probably just as freaked out, but he hasn't brought home a random girl since before April. That just isn't his thing anymore. Well, I have to put a stop to this.

I go knock on the door, and they ignore me. I knock louder, "WHAT?!?"

"Uh Roger, don't forget to take your AZT."  
Suddenly I hear a scuffle on the other side of the door and Kristina storms out trying to put her shoes back on she marches out the door. I can't help but smile; it was almost too easy.

Roger bolts out of the door and grabs my shoulders and pins me against the wall, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" 

I stare him down. Our faces are inches apart. "What? I was just reminding you to take AZT, the same way I do every night." I watch his face, the same face that only a few hours ago looked deflated, how now become so rigid. He pushes me one last time against the wall and steps away. He grabs his guitar case and walks in his room and slams the door.

I don't know what to do. This night has been so strange, I just don't even know if I can cope anymore. What the hell is going on with him? I let the animosity building in me breakout and I take it out on the first thing I can get my hands on, which happens to be the answering machine. I throw it at Roger's door and I watch in break into a few pieces. Not good enough, I go into my room and pick up my camera, and without even realizing it, I throw it against the wall and watch, in slow motion it seems, fall to the ground and break in half. I stand there in disbelief. 

"Mark, what the fuck are you doing?" He flips the light switch on and now I can focus on what I just did. "Jesus Christ," he pushes me to the side and goes over to where my camera lies on the floor. "I think we can fix it," he starts trying to find all the pieces that fell to the ground.

"Don't bother, it doesn't matter." I can't believe I just did that, my hands are shaking and I suddenly feel nauseous. 

Roger sits down on my bed and starts fidgeting with the camera. 

"I SAID DON'T BOTHER!" 

"Mark, calm down…" He reaches out to touch my arm and I pull away.

"Just leave me alone Roger. Get the fuck out of my life!"  
He ignores me and sits trying to put the camera back together.   
"Didn't you hear me?"  
He continues in silence. 

"What the hell are you doing? You come in here tonight, tell me how much I mean to you, you fucking _KISS_ me, and then take off! Then you bring back some whore and expect me to go back to my room and listen to you _FUCK _her??? I don't understand you. What do you expect from me?"

"I DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM YOU!" He throws my camera back on the floor and storms out of my room. I kick the camera under my bed; I don't even want to see it. What the hell is happening to me? 

I hear Roger on the other side of the wall walking around his room. It sounds like he is pacing back and forth. I lie in my bed and shut my eyes and try and force myself to go to sleep. I can't help but listen to Roger walk, five steps away, five steps back, five steps back, five steps away…finally the walking stops, but soon the light from the hallway floods my room again.

"Mark?" His voice is soft and timid, like he is afraid of me. I roll over onto my side and face the wall. "Mark, we need to talk…" I don't respond. "Mark, I'm sorry… I don't have any explanation for what I did." When I give him no reaction, he sits down on my bed and he continues. "I know you must be freaked out about it, I know I am…"

"I'm not freaked out…" I can hardly get the words out. 

"I don't know why I did that before… I think I just needed to be with someone, and you… you were the someone I wanted to be with. I'm sorry this makes no sense…"  
I turn around and face him. "It makes perfect sense, we only have each other left. I know everything you are going through, because I'm going through it too." I know I shouldn't continue but, "And I know I will have to go through this again, but next time alone."

"Don't… don't go there."

"Sorry." I start to cry for the hundredth time tonight. "I just can't help thinking about it."

He puts his arms around me and tries to comfort me. "I know… I know…" 

"Roger, I… uh…" What I really want to do is kiss him again. How weird is that? I whisper to him, afraid to say the words out loud. "I liked it." 

"Me too, but…"

I don't wait for him to finish his sentence; I lunge for him and begin to kiss him again, this time deeper and longer than before. And he responds back. He takes his hand and starts fingering my hair and pushes me down on the bed. The same feelings as before come rushing back, completely unrecognizable to me. Is it passion? Is it love? Could Roger and I be in love with each other? Or is it that we just both need to be with the one person who understands? My mind races as I try to sort through these feelings and emotions that are being emulated into Roger's mouth. 

He tries to pull back a few times, but I won't let him. I don't want him to run off again. Finally he breaks apart from me. He pushes my bangs out of my face again. I wait for him to speak.

He actually begins to laugh, "this is so fucked up." 

I nod my head, "Yeah, it is."

"I just never saw myself with a guy, much less you."

"Same here, buddy."

He starts laughing again and so do I. It is really preposterous that he is lying with me in my bed. Never in a million years would I have thought…

"If Collins cold see us now!" For some reason that just sends me into hysterics and we both lie next to each other laughing.

He puts his arm around me, and kisses my forehead. "I think we've had

enough drama for one night, do you just want to crash?"

"Well, being that the sun is starting to come up, it may be a good idea." 

"Do you mind if I stay here?" 

"Not at all," I push over and make room for him and very quickly I fall asleep. 

  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

The next day, sometime in the afternoon, I finally begin to stir. I think back to the events of the night before and try to separate the dreams from the actual events. I open my eyes, and sure enough Roger is sleeping by my side. I lie and watch him sleep for a while, still in shock that he is here with me. I finally can't help myself and begin touching him, his arms, his neck, and his chest. It is odd, touching another man's body should seem so foreign to me, but having it be Roger, who I already know so well, its seem so familiar. 

He finally begins to stir and open one eye. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, uh, nothing, I'm sorry." I pull back my arm. Shit, was this a one-night thing?

"No, no need to be sorry, you just woke me up." He kisses my forehead; "did you sleep well finally?"

"Yeah, I did." I suddenly feel like I need some answers. "Roger, what is happening between us?"

He looks at me as he sits up and rubs his hand through his hair and stifles a yawn. "Nothing, well, I guess that isn't true, huh? I don't know Mark, what do you think is happening between us?"

"Well, when we kissed last night, I liked it… a lot. I'm shocked by how it made me feel. I… have… never… felt anything like it before." I put my head down; it's hard for me to say how I feel, even to Roger.

He brushes my bangs out my eyes again; "I'm pretty shaken by it too. I don't know how to handle it." 

"Me neither."  
"I think we need sometime to figure this out. I have band practice today, so maybe we can think about things on our own, and tonight talk about it?"  
"Talk, us? That usually isn't our strong suit." I laugh at my own joke.

"We'll see what happens. I'm going to jump in for a shower. Stay in bed, get some sleep."

I roll over and try to force myself back to sleep, but I'm really not tired anymore. I get out of bed and go to search for something to eat. I hear the shower running and Roger singing in it. He left the door open a little and I go over and peek. I stand there and watch his lean muscular body through the shower curtain, and feel completely aroused. Again, I am shocked and embarrassed by what is happening to me. I'm lusting after Roger! He turns the water off; I hustle into the kitchen and pretend to be busy searching for something to eat.

He comes out with a towel wrapped around his waist, nothing unusual, but I can't keep myself from staring at him. He pretends not to notice, but smiles at me. "What?"

"Uh, nothing…. I just… I just wanted to know if you wanted anything to eat?" He gives me a wave to let me know he is all set, and disappears into his room. I take a deep breath, and try to control my feelings and desires. I make myself some Raman, and sit down on the couch. Soon Roger comes out of his room and heads for the door.

"Tonight, we'll hang out, right?"

I nod at him and he leaves. This whole situation is so strange. Yesterday, Roger and I were friends and I could relax around him. Now, I feel on edge and nervous, all because I want him to kiss me like he did last night. I finish up my breakfast and go back to my room. I notice a piece of my camera on the floor. Shit, what the hell did I do? I pick it up and scrounge around for all the pieces, most, of which I kicked under my bed. I bring them all into the living room and try to fit the pieces back together, but no such luck. It is really broke, and because of that, I throw it against the wall. Now what am I supposed to do?

I try not to think about the camera, and I try not to think about Roger. But being that they are the two most important things in my life, it is hard to sway my thoughts away from them. I decide to call Maureen, she would be a good person to talk to about things. I begin to dial her number, but realize that I dialed Collins instead. He is the one I really want to talk to right now. He would know what to say to make me feel better about things.

I hang up and try Maureen again. She answers on the second ring. I ask her to meet me for lunch, and she pointed out that it was four o'clock already. Wow, Roger and I really slept the day away. So I asked her to meet me for coffee and she laughed and accepted.   
A half-hour later I am sitting across from my gay ex-girlfriend explaining to her how my male best friend kissed me last night. Understandably, she was shocked. She started laughing, "you and Roger? No way!" I just nodded and smiled; I couldn't help but smile. "Are you two like a _couple_ now?"

I shake my head; "I don't know what we are. But Maureen, I swear, I have never felt like that before. He kissed me and I felt so… so… I don't even know the word for it!"

"You didn't feel like that when you kissed me?" She begins to pout. 

"Maureen, you know I loved you, but since you are with Joanne, and I just realized I lust after Roger, perhaps we weren't meant to be after all."

She starts laughing again. "Who would of thought it all those years ago?" Then she grows serious; "Do you think Roger feels the same way about you? No offense, but he is the last person I would peg for being gay or bisexual." 

"I'm not the last person?" I tease her. People assume I'm gay all the time. Though until last night, I had never any attraction to a member of the same sex.

"Mark, uh…no. Though it is weird to think about you and Roger, uh, doing it!"

"Shut up Maureen, and though I know I'm expecting a lot, would you please not say anything to anyone? Roger and I need to figure this out before the whole world knows."  
"Not even Joanne?" I just look at her pleadingly. "Fine." She looks disappointed. "Though I don't understand how you can give me such juicy gossip and not expect me to tell anyone."

"Please? This whole thing is confusing."

"Well Mark, if you ask me, I think it is wonderful. You and Roger have loved each other for years, and for that love to turn into _whatever _is happening between the two of you is amazing."

"Yeah, it is, isn't it?" I can't help but grin back at her. 

"Just… uh… be careful, you know?"

I glare back at her.

"Listen, I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't say anything. I would tell anyone I cared about to practice safe sex." And then as an afterthought, "And be careful not to have your heartbroken. I know you very well; I can see it in the way you are acting. You've got your hopes up."

"Yeah, I do. I don't think Roger is capable of breaking my heart, don't you worry."

"Oh just like he wasn't capable of breaking Mimi's heart every time they got into a fight? Roger can be viscous to those he cares about. You should know that first hand."

I think back to last night, with him bringing that girl home, which makes me think of my broken camera, and I know she is right. "I'll be careful, I promise."

"Mark, I can see it in your eyes, it's already too late."

A few hours later, I am sitting back in loft waiting for Roger. I have all the pieces to my camera spread out, trying at another feeble attempt to put it back together. I have never been so angry with myself, but yet, I'm really in a good mood. Still, I think about how I'm going to have to get a job and start saving enough to buy a new camera pisses me off. It's not that I'm against working, but I usually get paid via my camera, and now without, it's flipping burgers for me. 

Finally, I hear Roger come up the stairs. He comes in drops his guitar and heads for the refrigerator. "There's nothing to eat!"  
"There never is…" I shake my head, same thing, different day.

He comes to the table with some saltines we must have taken from some restaurant. "Can you fix it?"

"Healthy dinner there Roger. And no I can't." I can't help it, I am so frustrated, and I lean my forehead on my hands and try to hide the tears running down my face.

"Mark, calm down, we'll get you a new one."

"I CAN'T AFFORD A NEW ONE!" I don't know why I am yelling. Roger just pushes the piece he was holding towards me.

"Fine, whatever." He storms into his room. Great, now what? A few minutes later, Roger comes out and puts down a large amount of money. "I don't know how much you need, but this should help you out."

I sit and stare at the money. My first reaction is to throw it at him, but throwing things is what got me into this situation. "Thanks Roger, but I'll take care of it." 

"Just take the money. I want you too!"

I get up from the table, leaving the money there. "Roger, what is going on?"  
"I'm assuming you mean about last night? I don't know."

"Yeah, I mean last night! I've been a wreck all day, something happened to me last night. Something I never expected. When you kissed me, I felt… I felt…"

"Complete?" He drops his eyes down toward the table.

"Yeah," That was it. I felt finished, that I found my second half.

"Me too," He is standing across the room from me, staring out the window. I start to walk over to him but he turns away from me. "It's not that easy though."

"Why not?"  
"Because I'm not into guys."

"Well I didn't think I was either, but…"

"But what? I'm not attracted to you in that way, ok?"

"Wait… but you just said…"

"What I said is one thing, but I can't be with you that way." He walks away from me. "I'm sorry, Mark, really, last night I just wanted to be with someone. Ever since Mimi…. I've felt alone, and you are the only person who truly understands me…"

"So what are you saying, that I would be your soul mate if I were female?"

"No, I mean, yeah… I don't know, it just isn't right."

"Wow, Maureen was right. You are viscous to those you supposedly care about most."

"Maureen? When the fuck did Maureen say that?"

"Today, after I told her about last night, she warned me not to get my hopes up…'  
"YOU FUCKING TOLD HER! JESUS CHRIST MARK!"

"I just had to talk to someone about it."  
"Maureen, you had to go tell Maureen, who is going to go tell the whole fucking city of New York!"

"She isn't, she promised me."  
He scoffs at me, "sure, and Maureen's word is as good as gold. I can't believe you Mark. I can't believe you actually thought something was going to happen with this and that you told Maureen! Tell me Mark, what _were you thinking_?"

"I… I guess I wasn't." I try and fight back the tears, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything." And then I start getting furious at him, "AND I shouldn't have depended on you for anything." I resist the urge to walk away, because that is what Roger usually does, and I want to have this out with him right now. "So what, I am supposed to do now, go on considering you my best friend, nothing more, nothing less? Am I supposed to forget that I may have found the one person in the world who understands me? Am I am supposed to forget that when you kissed me everything horrible thing in my pitiful life seemed to disappear? Tell me Roger, what the fuck am I supposed to do now?"

He turns and faces me for the first time. Very calmly he says, "Get over it Mark. That's what you are supposed to do."

"FINE! DONE!" I again fight the urge to walk away. I am not going to leave my own apartment. Instead I go over and sit down at the table and bury my face in my hands. Roger picks up his guitar and strums the strings harshly and finally comes over and sits down next to me.

"Shit, why did this have to happen?"

"Why did _what_ have to happen?" 

"All of this I guess." He stands up and lets the pushes the chair into the table, knocking it over. "Can't we go back to the way things were?" 

"Sure, Roger! Which part would you like to go back to? Yesterday before you kissed me? Last year before Mimi and Collins died? Two years ago when you and April were wasting your life away shooting up? OR would you like to go back to a time you didn't know me?"

He remains silent for a long time. "I just want us to be friends again. That's all."

"Fine! Buddy, no problem! We'll just pretend nothing happened!" I do not attempt to even hide the sarcasm in my voice.

"Mark… Please…"

"No problem. If you are willing to deny yourself the chance at being truly happy, then I can't force you. But I'll tell you, I know… I know you felt it too." I finally can't stand to be around him anymore and retreat to my room. I fall into my bed stare at the ceiling. My tears have all dried and I feel completely numb. I have finally learned to shut things off. Funny thing is, I learned it from Roger. And from what I hear on the other side of the wall, Roger finally learned how to feel, and how to cry, probably from me. But I don't care, I really don't. For the first time in my life, I don't want to stop Roger's pain; I want him to hurt. 

I finally have had enough. I get up and grab my coat and leave. I think I hear Roger call my name, but I just keep walking. I make it down the two flights of stairs and stop in front of what was once Mimi's apartment. The apartment has been abandoned for months. I push the door and I'm surprised that it opens. I step inside. Everything has been cleared out. Collins and I went through what little possessions she had. Roger wouldn't help us, we understood, and pretended we believed his excuses of band practice. We both knew that he just went to their rehearsal space to hide out and mourn in his own way. 

I can still feel Mimi here. I really cared about her, and I know she and Roger really loved each other so much. I saw the passion in his eyes on the first night they met. It was something that had been void from him for so long. I hadn't seen it since again since Mimi died, until last night. The way he looked at me, right before he kissed me, the dispirited look that he held all night, for a split second it disappeared. 

Does he not think that is fucking with me as well? That until yesterday, he was just Roger, and now, wow, I really feel like I found the one. And it doesn't matter to me that it is a guy, it just matters that it is Roger. How can I go back to being just his buddy? I never expected this and I wish that it never happened. 

I hear his walk down the stairs, his boots pounding each step. I get up and walk out of the apartment and almost collide with him on the landing. He just steps to the side and keeps walking. "Roger, wait." He looks up from me from the bottom step. "I'm, I'm sorry." Shit, why am I the one apologizing? I didn't do anything wrong. "Please, can we talk about this?"

"I'm sick of talking," He starts out the door. He stops, "There is nothing left to say." 

"Roger, I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you as a friend, please come talk to me." I lean over the rusted landing, "Please." 

"Fine," He lets out a sigh and starts ascending the stairs. I follow him afraid to actually speak. We get inside the loft and he plops on the couch, "What?"

"I, uh… I was just down at Mimi's." He gazes at me with ice in his eyes. "I just had to go think. I thought about that Christmas Eve, when you guys met, do you remember?" He nods at me. "I just remember how… well something in you renewed that night, your spirit had seemed dead for so long."

"Does this have a point Mark?" He wasn't looking at me; he was sitting with his elbow on the edge of the sofa and his hand shading his eyes. 

"Well, I guess not directly, I was just thinking about it." He starts to stand up, "Roger, wait." The tears start free falling, "Listen, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I don't want to lose you, you are the most important person in my life. Please, don't shut me out, please. If you say last night didn't mean anything, fine, I mean you are probably right, we just were mourning Collins and we both have been lonely and…"

"It meant everything."

"What?"

"Mark, it meant everything, that's why it can't happen again." He is still shading his eyes and not allowing me to see his face. 

"Roger, I don't understand, please," I go over to the couch, "Look at me!" I reach out to him and he smacks my hand away and gets off the couch. He goes over to the window and starts looking out.

"You see Mark, it is really very simple." His voice is monotonous and soft. "I hurt everyone I love. I fight with them, I leave them or I just treat them bad. I don't want to do that to you." Before I could intercede, he continues. "But you see, they always have the last laugh on me. Because no matter how much I try and protect myself, they always hurt me more than I could ever hurt them. They always leave me." He keeps looking out the window. "That's why, even though, last night I felt more complete than I have in months, I can't be with you. I can't be with anyone."

"Roger, no, it is not going to be that way." I go over to him but he turns away from me. "Roger, I'm not going to leave you, I haven't yet!" He kind of snickers at that one. 

"It doesn't matter Mark, because I will still end up hurting you, just like I hurt Mimi, and even April. I couldn't stand it if I hurt you."

"Roger, come sit down." He shakes his head. "Fine, just stand here and listen to me. I'm tougher than I look, I have had to be after all the shit you put me through. Back in the days of you and April shooting up, to your diagnosis, your withdrawal, you taking off after Angel's funeral, so on and so forth, If I didn't have thick skin, I would have broke long ago. But I didn't, because I care about you, and I know you, and I know you are better than the shell that you became with April, and I knew you would eventually walk out of this apartment, and I knew you would come back home from Santa Fe. But if you are afraid of hurting me, no worries, you're too late. You've hurt me countless times, but I perpetually survive." I take a deep breath, "and I will continue to survive, because I'm not going anywhere."

Roger turns around and embraces me. He is sobbing into my shoulder, leaning all his body weight into me. I hold him, and keep reassuring him that I wasn't going to leave and he was stuck with me for the long run. After many minutes, he finally pulls away from me and tells me that he loves me. And for the first time in my life, I actually understand what those words mean.  
  



End file.
